Wouldn't Life be Boring if we were all the Same? (Do you live in the Past, Present or Future?)
After a few serious topics recently, I want to talk about something a little more light-hearted this week….
It is my experience that people tend to occupy different time periods in their minds. Some live firmly in the Past and/or Future, and others reside resolutely in the Here and Now.
What differences do these variances make to how we live our day to day life? Is one way right and the other wrong? What do these differing states tell us about ourselves and our personality types?
As half of a couple, I have first-hand experience of this as my boyfriend, (manfriend? Can one still call someone a boyfriend when you are in your 40s?) Andrew and I live in very different states on this front. As so often happens in relationships, opposites attract! And whilst this manifests itself very viscerally for us, it adds to the dynamics of our relationship.
To plan or not to plan?
Andrew loves a plan. He likes to know what is coming up so he can mentally prepare for it. He likes to know what he will eat in 3 days’ time and know exactly who will be at a social gathering before he gets there. He likes to know the best routes to take to get anywhere and will stick to that route religiously once it has been discovered. We live about a 10-minute walk from two different tube stations and Andrew will always take the same path, crossing the road in the same places, when heading out somewhere. Similarly, he takes the same path around the park each time he takes our dogs for a walk.
On the absolute contrary – I am almost entirely focused on what is happening here and now. And I love variety, spontaneity, surprises and acting on impulse. Haha.
As you can imagine – this does keep things interesting – but also has the potential to cause (thankfully usually minor) issues. For example, when asked what I might want for dinner at the weekend on a Tuesday I am left scratching my head. How am I supposed to know what I will be craving in 4 days’ time? I like to take a different route to the station each time because variety makes things more interesting to me. I find that repetition stales my mind and like to surprise myself (and often others) with what might happen next.
I am curious to know what you prefer and how these preferences manifest in your life. Do they have an impact on your interpersonal relationships? Either at home, work or socially?
Reflection, focus & concentration
Andrew’s reflective nature has him hyper-focused on things that have happened in his past, both good and bad. This gives him time to ruminate on events and draw conclusions over time. His focus for the future comes, I think, from a craving for structure. In other aspects of his personality, Andrew loves a spreadsheet and neat patterns, all of which point me (an untrained professional making casual observations, of course) to believe that his mind needs to have set expectations, framework and structure.
From a work perspective, Andrew likes tasks on which you can focus and concentrate without interruption.
Interruptions, distractions & interactions
I, on the other hand, only ever really think of things past or future when they are absolutely necessary. Planning a holiday in advance is of course often essential and so I am able to focus my mind on that for the duration of the planning, but then put it from my mind until it looms much closer on the horizon. Work-wise I like to be interrupted and to interact with people around me. I start lots of jobs and finish them all off at different times. I must be very annoying to work with for some personality types! My dopamine release comes from distraction, starting things off and surprise interactions. I am far more likely to talk to a stranger in the street than Andrew.
I do not have a side I think is right, I think we are all just wired differently and that is absolutely fine. I celebrate differences in people’s personalities. Wouldn’t life be boring if we were all the same?
There is something to be said for living in the present and reducing worry about the future or grievances with the past. It frees up your mind and allows room for mindfulness. But of course, I am going to see the benefits of how I see the world. I also value Andrew’s input and it does help to have balance, so we can often meet in the middle – I am more able to focus on things I need to plan by seeing Andrew’s perspective. And he (I hope!) would say the same, that the balance adds to things so we can both come outside of our comfort zones from time to time. Between us, we make one fairly well-balanced person!
Mindfulness
However, if one’s present is unpleasant or we feel unsafe – perhaps living in the past or future is a way to escape from that. This is a valuable mechanism that helps us shield from things that might damage us. Surviving through lockdowns is a recent example of how this could be of benefit to us all.
Wherever you sit on the spectrum, my advice is to try and mix things up a bit. If you are too focused on things gone by or yet to be, try some mindfulness exercises and embrace the here and now. If you are – like me – far too embedded in the immediate, perhaps work on making sure you are in fact ready for what may lie ahead. Learning from our own past behaviours is a good way to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes again and again.
There’s more than one way to….
As in most things in life – trying to see things from others’ perspectives can only be a good thing. Before you judge someone for their way of seeing the world – remember that our own way is not the only way. People are very different and this is what makes the human experience so rich!
Vive la différence
I do seem to keep on about Diversity and no matter what direction I start out in when writing these things, they always seem to end up in the same message. Love each other and celebrate our differences. I might be a stuck record, but it is a message I find I am happy to be fixated on!
Have a great week, everyone!
Positive Psychology Present Moment
21 Instant Ways to Live in the Moment
A False Dichotomy: Living in the Present or Planning for the Future
